Completing the modern family’s most decadent needs.
We are all complex, multifaceted beings. We have likes, dislikes, curiosities, fears, aspirations and the ambitious need to nurture and grow in all those areas. Intimacy, weather sexual or platonic is high on most lists. The thought of hiring a dominatrix to spice up a relationship or find intimate growth may have crossed your mind already, or perhaps it was timidly bought up by your partner and you simply felt too intimidated by the process to pursue the idea further. BDSM is not for everyone, and it can be scary to venture into the depths of your most guarded desires, but if it is an interest of yours, my personal philosophy is to try everything once or twice before writing it off. I write this piece in hopes it will guide you and your partner(s) on your journey to finding the perfect provider for your needs and booked with no issues at all; just like booking your next hair appointment.
Finding the Perfect Provider
Part One : Prep
This is a big task and can seem dizzying to a novice. Let us break it down into fun bits that are easy and exciting to manage. The first thing you will want to nail down is what you are looking for. Ask yourself the following questions:
What do we like for sure?
What are we curious about and unsure we will enjoy?
What are we certainly not interested in trying at this point?
What scares us the most about this prospect?
What excites us the most about it?
It helps to write these down and don’t get too hung up on details at first, you can always change your mind later. Make a fun date out of it! Sit down with the person or people you want to explore your kinks with and spit ball some ideas. If nerves or inexperience are thwarting this process, do explore some online resources to see what is out there and available for you. My best recommendation is to look for providers in your area and check out their social media, blog, and whatever else they have created for their audience. Remember, just because something is shown on a business website or profile, does not mean it has to be part of YOUR scene. It just means it could be, if that was your interest.
Part Two: Search
Once you have a better idea of what your ideal scene looks like you are ready to look for your perfect facilitator. So clearly time to hit the Google. But don’t stop there, check out the top social media sites too. You do not want to have your options garnished by the failure of a vanilla algorithm. Not every excellent domme is an excellent web developer, and most of us chose to build and host our own sites for privacy and flexibility reasons. Try a variety of search queries, as they could bring up different results, by pairing key words like “Dominatrix”, “Mistress/Master”, “BDSM session”, “Fetish Provider”, “Kink” etc with
your geographic location.
Here again, a little bit of foresight is beneficial:
Do our interests require an experienced and knowledgeable professional?
This might seem like a silly question. Of course you want the most professional pro to help with your journey! But not all kinks are equally specialized. For example most providers who have undergone basic training can safely conduct a scene with easier activities such as foot fetish, erotic humiliation, or tease and denial. They do not need 10 years of dungeon experience to spit in your face. But if you are craving an intricate rope bondage scene with suspension, or the sting of a single tail on your back, it is probably best to carefully select a person who is not only experienced in BDSM but also adept at those particular activities. Look for examples of their work on their social profiles, perhaps in their fetlife account, and maybe spend $10-$50 on premium content of theirs where you are able to confirm that this is something they can help you explore, safely.
Are our interests covered by the provider we have found?
Most providers work with all genders but every professional is unique in at least some ways, so be sure to check their limits and services. Most established providers will have a set list of “do not do”s somewhere on their website. Do not try to push those, if they don’t do it, they will not do it for new clients, no matter how sexy you are. Simply find a person who does offer your interest.
Tip: It may help you to know that most North American BDSM providers do not mix vanilla sex, like hand jobs or any type of classic sexual intercourse scenario, in their scenes. For those types of scenes you may find more luck with an escort who also practices BDSM.
Will we be safe with them?
This may just be the most important question you can ask yourself. From privacy to physical well being, you want the scene to be enjoyable from the start until the finish and after it is said and done. Remember that the adult industry is unregulated, and even with regulated businesses bad pro’s are unfortunately part of life.
Signs that your choice is safe are:
- They have been practicing for five or more years and have little or no drama surrounding them.
- They have a robust social media presence, on multiple platforms. *longevity of social media accounts plays a small role here as we get disabled disproportionately compared to vanilla businesses.
- They have a strong network of other professionals they work with both locally and abroad.
How much will it cost? And how do we pay?
This is a good time to ensure you are able to budget this service. As of 2021 the North American industry standard rate for full BDSM services starts at $400 for a single client’s first hour. Couples and more specialized scenes could be priced higher and multi hour scenes could be discounted at the provider’s discretion. Payment methods for the adult industry are usually limited by the larger processors. Do not be surprised if their website lists less popular methods of payment like PantheonPay, SpankPay, or even gift cards for the deposit and then requests cash only for the balance upon meeting. This information is generally available on their website to make it easier for you to plan and budget your leisure so make sure you take all the time you need to familiarize yourself with the journey ahead. I promise it can only add to your excitement and anticipation and remove any potential surprises that would take away from the overall experience.
Contacting your Mistress of Choice
Okay but we are still nervous.
Nervous is good, take as many steps as you need. Here are some examples of steps you can take to build your confidence:
Book a consultation – Most providers will offer a phone or cam consultation for the cost of your deposit which then reserves your scene. So it is free to consult with them when you book after. This gives you a chance to ask questions, hear their words and intent, and get to know them a little more personally before it is time to exchange power.
Register for a pay to chat service they may offer like sextpanther or nite flirt and ask them as many questions as you want, a la carte, for as long as you need, until you feel ready to book.
See if they offer a casual meet and greet scene where you pay for their time to just sit and talk about anything you need to get off your chest with no obligation or pressure to book.
Okay, we are ready, now what?
So you did your homework, discovered some new things about yourselves, found the person who seems most qualified and compatible to take you on a wild ride, and are beyond excited to do the damn thing already. Great, it is all downhill from here!
Now that you have dotted all your “i”s and crossed all your “t”s it is time to contact them for your session. There are two ways to do this which are vastly preferred by practitioners in the industry: filling out an application, if one is available on their website or composing an email. Just remember to include important information such as your availability, location, and interests. You may find the tips for composing an email in my booking entry helpful.
What to expect
Provided your request was successfully received and did not raise any red flags, such as you blatantly asking for locally illegal or unavailable services, you can expect an email correspondence back within 3 business days or less. This does mean you want to plan your experience ahead and give at least a business week’s notice, especially if your availability falls during high demand times such as evenings or weekends.
This is by no means an all inclusive guide, but it should help steer you in the right direction. Questions are always welcome. You never know when something you asked could become the next piece to helps hundreds of readers just like yourself.